Pinpoint

You know when you look back on your life and you think about the highlights and lowlights? Times when things in life were super smooth, fun, interesting....or times when they really were awful? Funny thing is, I can almost exactly pinpoint the bad stuff, but the good times are more blurry.

It's like this. When I think about my 20s, I think about saving for my mission, serving my mission, going to college, getting married, having two babies. Loved my 20s, really loved them. They were amazing. But it's all a bit blurry, a haze of happiness I guess.

But then there's dates like November 11, 2006, when I was diagnosed with cancer. A pinpoint in time.

In a few years I will look back on this year, 2014, at least the beginning and be able to tell you that time in my life was one of the hardest times I've ever been through. And I'm not done yet. Every time I think things will calm down, they just don't.

Last night as Harold and I were discussing events he actually asked me to stop talking about what was going on because he simply could not take it any more. I was irritated by this, but I still understood.

I won't go into nitty gritty details. There are too many and there are people to protect.

Let me start here: It's Savannah's senior year. At the beginning of the school year I distinctly remember thinking that we were almost done with her high school career and we had escaped any drama that I was sure would accompany a girl through high school.

Now we all know what happens when you think things in your life are easy, right? Yep, all of a sudden you hit a wall....hard.

Savannah is a great girl, this isn't about her. This is not about her choices. She got a bit overwhelmed and overbooked and that played into this year. But the biggest thing is that she was betrayed by a person she trusted, a best friend. The best friend turned on her and then others followed the best friend. Now my daughter has no best friend. And her peripheral friends aren't really speaking to her either.

Can you imagine being a senior in high school, supposedly the best time in your life, and you have no friends?

If you can't remember what it was like, let me help you out. It's devastating.

And if you think a mother can sit by and watch this kind of thing happening and just take it.....well, that's exactly what I have to do, "take it." I do everything I can to help, support, love, embrace, hold, and empower. But I pretty much have to sit back and take it.

And I have to take it from people who live really close, who go to my church, my schools, my neighborhood stores. I have to smile, tell them I'm sure the girls will work it out, when I'm not sure at all. In fact, my daughter says she is through with this friend. Savannah feels betrayed and unloved. She feels used and walked on. She doesn't want this friend back. But she doesn't want to be friendless either.

She's lonely.

She will graduate in two months, actually 9 weeks from today. I will rejoice that she no longer has to face the people who wronged her every.single.day.

She deserves to walk with her head held high, yet she skulks around school like she has something to hide. This is NOT my girl.

I want my girl back. I want her to feel empowered and lovely and beautiful and strong and peaceful and spiritually bold.

I will look back on my daughter's senior year as one of the worst of my life. Because my daughter was betrayed and I had to take it.

She makes me proud to be a mother and my heart hasn't stopped aching for oh so long.

I love you my darling, wonderful, brilliant, lovely girl.

If thou art ^aaccused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee;.....  if thou be cast into the ^bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to ^chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of ^dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee^eexperience, and shall be for thy good.

The ^aSon of Man hath ^bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

D&C 122: 6, 7

I love you my girl. Love, love, love, love you.

Chunk Excision-A Duet

The dermatologist explained "severely atypical" to me. On the range of mild atypia to melanoma, apparently severe atypia is one step away from melanoma. Awesome.

I had the chunk excision (thanks for the graphic Julie) yesterday. The cool part? He made my scar look like an X.

I will probably start telling people the scar is from a bullet hole.

Savannah and her good friend Catherine are singing a duet at the choir concert on Friday. The wanted advice on body posture/language so they FINALLY sang the song for me so I could give feedback. I cried. They sang so beautifully. I will probably post the video here. Stay tuned.

Severely Atypical

I have a lot of moles. I hate that word, truly I do. So from here on out if you want to call them beauty marks then that's fine AND I need you to know that I was blessed with so much beauty I cannot even quantify it! In fact, I have so so so much beauty that I need to have some taken away once in a while. Just to make things slightly more fair for all the rest of you peeps.

A couple weeks ago I go to my favoritest physician's assistant in all the land and have her remove some beauty from my upper left arm. That particular beauty mark was kind of oddly colored (reddish) and seemed kinda inflamed actually and was itchy sometimes. It was acting strange. So I wanted it gone.

I have had so many beauty marks taken off that at some point I was starting to feel a little hypochondriatic (probably not a real variation of the word, don't care), because all the other moles were just that, moles.

This time I got a call from the PA's office. Here's the medical lingo:

Severely atypical compound melanocytic proliferation. Peripheral margins involved. Complete excision recommended for further evaluation and management. 

From what I've read this particular diagnosis is pretty much a catch all. As in, they aren't quite sure what this is.

Here's what my PA had to say. This is written on a note sent to her MA and the MA relayed this message to me:

Tell her pathology showed severely atypical cells, no malignancy but the lesion extended to the borders of the sample. She needs to have a wider excision done of this lesion.

Now, how does she know it's NOT malignant? Do they say it IS malignant in those reports?

In the famous words of teens everywhere: Whatever!

I'm going this coming Tuesday to have a larger chunk taken out of my upper left arm. (Despite the fact that the lab report thinks this sample came from my right arm. Phsh!)

This is just reaffirming to me that:
1. I am not a hypochondriac, I had a reason to be cautious.
2. It is time to start seeing a dermatologist now. The PA is great for a lot of things, but my skin needs it's own doctor.
3. We all need to take better care of our skin. I have a massive hat in my closet, my Audrey Hepburn hat. It's big and gorgeous and is now going to be with me when I'm outside in my yard, on my head, protecting my skin. And I will remember to put on sunscreen. Every.single.time. Must remember!!!!

AND.........

I got this news right as I drove into the surgical center parking lot with Harold because he was having his knee scoped and his meniscus repaired. Great timing right?

Harold is rehabilitating at home. He hates "sitting around." I told him he needs to think of this more like, allowing his knee to heal.

MEN!!! Sit down, let your body heal.....FOR THE LOVE!!!!!!!

He's been in pain and I feel badly about that. He went to his first physical therapy appointment. Thankfully our PT is our bishop. He's a great guy and tells Harold what's what straight up. For instance:
Harold needs to be sitting on the couch with his leg propped up with ice on it.
Harold needs to stop feeling guilty about not helping with a move tomorrow happening in our ward.
Harold should feel good about his decision to stay home from work. His knee needs to heal.

Who's excited for the weekend? I am I am I am!

Savannah has prom tomorrow night. She'll look gorgeous, I'm super excited to see my baby girl all dolled up for prom. I {heart} that girl.

And Mack? Well, he is gearing up for a special choir performance featuring songs from Les Mis. And....he made chamber singers (highest level of choir at his school). So proud!

She's Back!

Savvy got home yesterday. I missed her. She is a fun part of our family and I am starting to glimpse the life of an empty nester and how it must be kinda lonely. My only consolation will be if we win the lottery, we'll be traveling so much I won't have to worry about missing my grown children. And we can drop in on them any time, because grown children and their spouses love that, right?

While Sav was gone we had regular contact via text and cell phone. A lot of her reports included information about a boy who was basically following her around. She likened him to a puppy dog needing it's mother. I thought she was being a little harsh. Then I saw her pictures. Seriously, that kid was in a TON of her pics. Nearby, lurking. Not creepy, just kinda funny to me. Like he was photobombing but didn't really get the joke. Sav actually did say he was being a creeper, her word for a boy who hangs around, seemingly uninvited.

Nevertheless, it's good to have her back. Now we get to harass her about making up for lost homework....until school ends. Yippee.

Choir Tour

Savannah left last night for choir tour. This is the first time we are home and she is gone for 5-1/2 days. Ok....she's been to girl's camp but that was a whopping 3-1/2 days every year. This is a bit different. There are boys.

I told her last night before she left, no monkey business. It's not like she has a boyfriend or anything, but the boy who asked her to prom will be on this trip. She said, and I quote, "I wasn't even thinking of that until you just said it."

What the?

My response: Do you mean to tell me that monkey business never crossed your mind until your mother just mentioned it?

She recanted her previous statement.

The best part of the trip? Tape.

The choir director put a warning in the trip documents: Once everyone is in for the night, the outside of their hotel room doors will be taped. If the seal of the tape is broken then everyone in the room will be sent home.

Harold's favorite part of the warning was this: If the tape is broken and you are sent home, your parents will know, your friends will know, the bus driver will know, the airlines will know. He laughed out loud while reading.

I appreciate a choir director who keeps it real. I want my daughter safe in every sense of the word while on this trip.

Have Fun Savvy Girl! We love you and miss you.

But I just need to say: Dad, Mackson and I each had our own couch while you were gone. No one had to share. We were feeling all decadent. It was lovely.

Come home (not too) Soon!!

You all know I'm kidding, right?

My One Post for 2013....maybe

Wow, has it been a year since I last posted? Guess what....I'm posting again.....and guess what.....it's on a related subject....Weight Loss.

Yes, the bane of my existence. The one topic that when I decide to focus on it, fills my head and consumes my every thought and deed.

I decided at the beginning of this year (yes, I am a walking/talking cliche) that I would lose weight this year. And next year, because I am positive that it's going to take at least that long to finally get the rest of this crud off my body.

I joined Weight Watchers online with my wonderful sister. She's inspirational and having a weight loss buddy is a great boost. And Harold joined in for a while, too, but now he's tweaked his knee and probably will need surgery (another story for another day) so he's dropped out for a bit.

After about two months on WW, I switched over to another free online program, My Fitness Pal, which basically counts calories and that's it.

Good News: 
I've lost 17 pounds
I've been at this for 14 weeks and show no sign of letting up
I feel really great about myself
I exercise super regularly, as in I take classes, walk for miles and miles, hired a personal trainer (my third session is today), and I MOVE MORE!
I gained a good friend in a co-worker throughout this process
I've done this without the help of the lap band (had to loosen the band due to raging heartburn, so I don't have the same amount of "help"/restriction that I normally would with the band. Which leads me to my next point....
I've learned to watch the quality of my food intake
I had gained 20 pounds at my current job and have taken almost all of that off
I've stopped drinking the no-calorie Crystal Light knock off, cuz my momma told me to
I'm really not a walking/talking cliche because I've been doing this for three months, most people quit in a week or two

Bad News:
I've lost 17 pounds in 14 weeks. What the?? I mean, I know I'm older, but I really only want an average of 1.5/week. I don't feel like that is too much to ask.
I weigh myself multiple times every morning. I have a digital scale that pretty much gives me a different weight every time I step on it, so I am constantly trying to figure out my "real" weight.
I don't drink enough water
When I stepped on the scale this morning I was the same weight I've been at for three weeks. Which means I lost 2 pounds this past month.
I'm sitting here on the verge of tears because I let my sense of self worth be defined by a stupid digital scale

On to More Good News:
I am not giving up. I refuse to let a scale define who I am. I am determined not to let the weight loss of others affect the way I feel about me. I will not let up until I am in a normal, healthy weight range. I love who I am becoming and will become. I will defeat this current plateau and punch it in the face as I make my way past this current weight and never lay eyes on it again. Never.

A Day With No Sugar

Welp, I did it. I went an entire day with no dessert! But I want you to know that I thought about eating sweets every.single.minute.of.the.day. Pathetic, I know. But that is the truth of my life.

Things I ate that were "sweet":

Two tic tacs

Unsweetened applesauce (no sugar added)

A pear

What? I had two fruits yesterday? Unheard of!

FUN FACTS OF RESISTANCE:

I went to visit a coworker who has taffy on her desk. And even though I don't really like taffy I almost reached in to the coffer and pulled out a piece, without even thinking! But alas, I did not partake.

I have a jar of chocolate covered juju hearts on my desk, but those didn't really tempt me. Good to know.

When I got my lunch from the Pencourt (student-run "restaurant" on campus) yesterday, they served a chicken thing and with it came what they titled "spiced peach half." While in line I pondered the spicy peach and wasn't sure if it fit the dessert/sugar category or not. So, I texted a friend who is both familiar with the spicy peach and with my desire to avoid sweets yesterday. Our conversation went like this:

Me (12:00): What do u think abt the spiced peach at the pencourt?

Her (12:01): I would count that as a dessert

Me (12:01): K.

Me (12:02): That bums me out.

Her (12:04): If it didn't have the sugar cinn sugar goodness. But it is always up to you

Me (12:04): I was a good girl. tx 2 u.

Observations from the above discussion:

1. It took me 4 minutes to walk away from a peach.

2. I can't believe I got so bummed out about not having the peach.

3. Good friends are hard to find.

Truly the spiced peach has some sort of sugary stuff going on. I'm not sure if the sugar comes out of the peach with the broiling process or what. But, I only needed to be good for one day. And I was.

I even resisted the Horchata in my fridge, cuz that is NOT a beverage, it's a dessert in a milk carton!

Lessons learned:

1. I like fruit. So eat a dang piece of fruit instead of a refined sugar offering from the devil.

2. I am strong enough to go 24 hours without, which means I can pretty much resist sugar whenever I want, right?

3. I have great friends. Thanks to all who showed support yesterday via txting and blog commenting.

4. I will not have dessert with lunch today. I will get fruit! I may opt to have a dessert tonight on date night, should I so choose. But since we are eating at a Mexican place, I doubt dessert will be on my radar. Wait, what? Another 24 hours without sugar? Possibly.