Tuesday, September 23, 2008

As Promised...

Has anyone noticed that my new favorite way to punctuate is with three dots? As in... Weird how I've taken a liking to three little periods in a row.

Harold was sick this weekend. A harsh cold. He spent hours sleeping on both Saturday and Sunday. He was still feeling pretty lousy on Monday, better but lousy, so he stayed home from work. He cannot stand staying home for 3 days in a row even if he is sick so for FHE last night the four of us went to the dollar theater to see Indiana Jones. Harold had seen it and didn't like it but for some odd reason has been trying to convince me to see it ever since. For $2 for the entire family, I'll give it a try. Plus my expectations were low so I couldn't go wrong.

We got there at a decent time, about 20 minutes before the movie started, which is a big deal for my ever-late family. We found some seats and I immediately could tell I was going to be irritated during the movie. You know when you have people sit down near you and they are loud and obnoxious, shouting to their friends on the other side of their row? When this happens I get a kind of a ticked-off, irritable feeling and start preparing to be annoyed. I had to remind myself that you get what you pay for so keep those expectations low, missy!

There is a scene in You've Got Mail where Meg Ryan and Greg Kinnear go to the movies and are talking during the previews and a lady tells them to hush. He says "you want me to be quiet while a HOT DOG is singing?" Apparently it was the part where the movie vendor is promoting buying treats at the snack counter. I love that part of the movie, but I'm kind of like that woman, once the lights go down, STOP TALKING!

During the pre-show there was lots of talking, a calmed myself down and figured that once the lights went down a hush would magically fall over the crowd. The lights go down, the previews start and the kids behind me are LOUDLY talking to each other. Not even attempting to keep it on the low-down. I just couldn't handle it, my nerves were already a little raw, so I whip my entire body around and and say "Hey!" The kid apologizes and even after his siblings or friends, whatever, were still talking he was sushing them. Good job kid! Thanks for respecting my right to a peaceful movie.

Then the movie starts. All goes fairly well until a lady behind me and to the right (who had been chatting VERY loudly during the pre-movie show) starts doing it again. Only this time it is a running commentary.

Cate Blanchet's character shows up:
Loud Lady Response: "Who is SHE?"

Indiana splits open the casing of a mummy to reveal the nastiness inside.
Loud Lady Response: "DISGUSTING!"

Indiana reverses a poison dart at a foe and kills him.
Loud Lady Response: "EW"

NOTE: Ew and Disgusting were the LL's favorite words last night.

The crystal skull is revealed.
Loud Lady Reponse: "EW. THAT IS SO UGLY. DISGUSTING. HIS TEETH LOOK LIKE DAGGERS!"

At this point I start laughing, uncontrollably. My body is shaking as I try to stop myself. Harold starts laughing, Sav starts laughing, the three of us have our entire bodies shaking and rolling as we try to contain ourselves. I mean at this point all I'm thinking is, "Is it weirdo night at the dollar theater? Do all the movie crazies go to some class wherein they learn the fine art of disturbing other movie-goers? Am I am candid camera?"

At some point early on I had turned to the LL and made a nasty face (yes in the dark, where she probably couldn't see...) and Harold says, "Honey, she's got something wrong with her." YA THINK? Turns out she really did. I think she had a mental retardation, for real. Then I felt bad for my nasty look. But I still couldn't help busting out into laughter at least three times during the movie.

Harold says the running commentary made the movie for him. Even now...I am sitting here with a grin on my face. I guess it made the movie for me, too. Although spending 2 hours of time with Harrison Ford is a secret dream of mine, so that aspect might have helped.

8 comments:

Holley, Dane Brien & Wesley Berry said...

Jeanna, that was not a retarded woman, it was ME! I thought you in particular would appreciate and understand my commentary.

Don’t you go to a movie theater to be part of a community! For those 90 to 120 minutes, we fellow moviegoers are an impromptu family, laughing and crying together. So I find that it is my responsibility to make sure that my family knows (a) what I think of the film and (b) that I am hilarious. So I look for every opportunity to say very astute, opinionated, and funny things.

For instance, when I see a character about to do something irrational, like perhaps entering a dark, abandoned warehouse where you know a psycho is lurking with a machete, I will often yell, ''You so stupid idiot!'' I know the movie can't hear me. I'm saying this to let the audience… aka my family, know that I am keenly aware the character is making an unfortunate choice and if I were in a similar situation, I would not be so foolish. (For the record: I would never go into a building where a psycho lurked with a machete… I’m just not like that)

Sometimes, I yell things as a warning to other parents. We all know it takes a village to raise a kid so I’m just trying to do my part. Did you ever see the scene in Shakespeare in Love when Shakespeare sexily undresses Gwyneth Paltrow while she spins around? I assisted the audience with that scene by yelling ''Uh-oh! Here comes boobies!'' If my warning gave a concerned mother a few extra seconds to cover her child's eyes, then you're welcome. I may have saved a child from unwittingly becoming addicted to porn. And if, coincidentally, it also made everyone laugh, then that's why I'm a genius.

It's been suggested in the past that I speak more quietly or even keep my thoughts to myself. How selfish would that be… I have so much to share and I love my little movie family. I would never deny you the benefit of my wisdom? Movie talking is a public service; moreover, a rapier wit does no good languishing in its sheath. And if you don't like that, then there's really only one thing to say…

Julie J. said...

Haha, you and Holley crack me up! I have the worst movie going experiences and it has gotten to the pointwhere I don't even like to go.

Reno Wells said...

You are invited to my house to watch movies anytime. We can send the talkers out of the room.

Daledogg said...

Jeanna, reminds me of "The Pipe!!!" in "National Treasure". Good times!

Cote Corner said...

seriously! Justin and I went to a kinda scary movie once. This girl was running around the house, all the while she knew there was a man in there somewhere waiting to attack. When she enters the bathroom to hide, this woman says, "HES IN THE SHOWER!!" I was so annoyed. Justin thinks its funny that I get so annoyed at these people but it seriously bugs me THE WHOLE movie when I know I will be listening to someones commentary on the movie THE WHOLE TIME!
P.S. Everyone else in your movie theater was probably thinking, "Why is that family laughing?? This isn't a funny part! It must be weirdo night at the dollar theater!! And they probably went home and blogged about it! :)

Becky said...

Ha ha ha! Jeanna, I'm glad you shared that experience...I cried, so hilarious.

THEN, I click on the comments to let you know how much I enjoyed your post and low and behold, Holley has left more hilarium (is that a word?) to enjoy!

I mean, honestly, I can't tell if she is serious or making fun of the people that shout out...either way it's hilarious and in her own words, "that's why [she's] a genius!"

Brittany said...

don't you love laughing at those unexpected moments? and then when you can't control yourself - that's even better! i can totally picture all three of you laughing your head off! thanks for making me laugh!

ps - i too love those three little dots... and i noticed that i use the dash a lot too (-)

hyker said...

I have no problems turning around and "shhhhhh-ing" people in a movie. If that makes me a jerk then so be it. I'm glad you were able to get a laugh out of it.