Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Assisted Living..... For Mothers.

If you are easily embarrassed by the needs of women, stop reading now.

Introducing a brand new concept in Assisted Living......Assisted Living for Moms! We offer similar services as AL for the aged such as 1. Incontinence Care. 2. Medication Management. 3. Dressing Services. 4. Dining Assistance. and 5. Bathing Assistance. For further information read out booklet below:

1. Incontinence Care: Ladies, do you sometimes run out of pantiliners? If so, can you even function during the day of you don't have one on? You feel you are safe from even the slightest bit of incontinence and then hay fever season hits and darn if it isn't that third and last sneeze that gets you every time? We offer a delivery service every 25 days or so of a new box of pantiliners so that you NEVER run out. We would be happy to increase the absorption rate of your preferred brand of pantiliner as your need increases.

2. Medication Management: Are you on some type of hormone replacement that secures mood stabilization? Do you accidentally forget to take your medication? Do your husband and children sometimes wonder why you cannot stop from crying only to realize it has been at least 4 days since the last pill and another 4 days before that for the one before? If this sounds vaguely familiar to you (and who can blame you if you cannot recall having taken your medication because without estrogen your memory slides further and further down a big black hole). Just for you, we offer a friendly phone call once a day, you choose day or night, to remind you to take your meds. This service also applies to antidepressants, antihypertensives, antihistamine blockers, etc.

3. Dressing Services: We know as busy mothers that you run out of under garments before you run out of days of the week. We will come in and do your laundry once per week to assure you the cleanest, whitest laundry on the planet. We know your family would never dare sort clothes, let alone clean them, dry them, fold them and put them away. Our service takes the guess work out of pulling underwear from your drawer and wondering if you are down to your last pair or not.

4. Dining Assistance: Does planning meals 7 days a week get you down? If so, we can take whatever food you have available in your kitchen and prepare you and your family a gourmet meal. If you don't have enough ingredients we will order your dinner from a local restaurant of your choosing. Stop the daily fuss about dinner and just relax, we'll take care of the rest.

5. Bathing Assistance: Do you remember the last time you shaved your legs? If not, we provide a friendly calendar that you can install in your shower wherein you can mark the days you shaved your pits and your legs. There is also a blank spot wherein you can log other areas that need shaving. We do have a magic wand service that can be utilized once per month where you can wave the wand and you are magically ready for the day....showered, shaved, makeup, teeth brushed, lotion and deodorant applied and hair done. Use of this service more than once per month will cost an additional fee per use.

5 comments:

hyker said...

i should have stopped reading when I had the chance....but still kind of funny.

Julie J. said...

I wish!

Cote Corner said...

I'll take the magic wand service. The worst part of getting ready in a day is blow drying my thick hair! It takes FOREVER!!! Though, I think I'd use the service more than once a month! ;) (i'm sure it would be worth the extra fees though!)

Brittany said...

are you trying to tell us something? are you going to live in assisted living? i think this one is too good to be true. and you know what they say about those... actually i don't think anything has been said. just that it's too good to be true.

Holley, Dane Brien & Wesley Berry said...

Sign me up for the meal planning and could you arrange for someone to do the actual clipping of the coupons and grocery shopping. That chore is the bane of my existence! Trying to plan meals, save money and feed teens feels overwhelming.