Update, birthday celebration

This report is for me: It is Feb 11 and I've been going strong on my eating plan for about 38 days. I feel good, lost some weight, and still feel motivated. I try to avoid the scale until weigh in day but that doesn't seem to be working out. 

IRONY: If I step on the scale and I don't lose, I want to eat to suppress the frustration. If I step on the scale and lose, I want to eat to celebrate. What does that say about me? 

In other news....

Harold has travelled twice in the past month; once to Boston and once to Nashville. Traveling is fun for him in some ways and a bummer in other ways. He says he would give anything to be able to just go to the fridge for some milk and cookies but is stuck in hotel rooms without the same kind of conveniences. And he has to eat where EVERYONE agrees to eat, even if he isn't jazzed by the decision. 

We miss him while he is gone but make the best of it by piling on my bed at night and chatting about nothing. I like having the kids close. Last night I had to kick them out of my room so I could sleep. And now I'm wishing I would have just gone to bed even later so I could enjoy them. I mean, my 17 and 20-year-old want to hang out and chat with their mother? I should NEVER kick them out, ever, no matter what time it is.

The fog here is super thick today. Inversion. I missed an accident on my way in, YAY! 

I crave protein lately, like right now I'd kill for some brisket. 

Mack had his 17th birthday this week. Such a sweet kid. And so confident, funny, entertaining, tall!, motivated, and respectful. On Savannah's social media post about Mackson's birthday she said he would wake her up just to tell her she deserves the best and that he loves her. 

He loves #happysocks, soccer, conditioning class (haha!), KT tape, and Tiger the cat. He is picky about his food, but can really put away the cold cereal. He works hard to maintain all A's and A-'s in school. He can be found at night in his bed reading his scriptures, both the Book of Mormon and the Old Testament (to stay on top of his assigned reading for seminary). He loves his sister, fiercely. And he likes to tell his mom and dad about his day. 

His birthday meal request was BBQ beef sandwiches, frog eye salad, potato salad, homemade rolls, and yellow cake with chocolate frosting. I added a green salad, drinks, ice cream and another cake for the 18 family members at the party. 

HaPpY bIrThDaY dear Mackson!

What's Happening

I made it through my 10 days of sugar (and carb) fasting with minimal problems. And I felt so good about myself.

Now I'm 25 days in and have had some sugar and some carbs....but very little. I feel more in control but I don't think I've detoxed necessarily or killed any cravings. But I am making better choices. Yay!

I am a bit tired lately. I don't think I've slept well in about a month. And today I am really feeling it. I feel worn down and incredibly tired. I usually sleep quite well so this is a bit unusual for me. I'm on a mission to sleep well this weekend.

Harold traveled to Boston this week (via JFK, Rhode Island and Atlanta). In a couple weeks he'll go to Nashville. Lucky boy! Traveling sounds fun to me, even if it is for work.

The greatest thing I got to do this week was go to the Springville Museum of Art high school student show and select a piece of art as the McKay School award winner for the year. The award comes with a cash prize and we'll get to display the winner in our conference room for a year. I'm super pleased with the selection, despite my lack of art education. I am a human being and when art speaks, it speaks.

And one more fun story: A kind woman told me I have beautiful eyes. I never get compliments on my eyes so I was extremely flattered. Then as I was thanking her (and probably blushing a bit because I was so surprised) she says, "no, your eyes are MAGICAL." How sweet is that?? Like Savannah said, "Zero to Magical, just like that."

I am giving a lesson to the young women at a ward conference this Sunday. The ward conference theme this year is Alma 7:11-13:

 11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and ^aafflictions and ^btemptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will ^ctake upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12 And he will take upon him ^adeath, that he may ^bloose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to ^csuccor his people according to their infirmities.

 13 Now the Spirit ^aknoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the ^bflesh that he might ^ctake upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

When I first read this theme I was a bit disappointed honestly. I felt like there was nothing catchy or jazzy about this scripture. The scripture seemed long and not interesting. 

I am here to say, I was wrong...on every account. 

Knowing we have a Savior and that he suffered EVERYTHING for our benefit? Amazing. And awesome. And humbling. 

I'm excited to talk with young women about what their trials are and how each of them can gain strength through Jesus Christ to overcome them. 

Day 9 of 10

Just a quick update: 

I've done REALLY well on my 10 day sugar cleanse. I've lost a few pounds but more importantly I've proven to myself that I actually can live sugar-free. I'm pretty proud of myself at this point. I also feel a little like an addict, wanting my 9-day chip for going sugar-free. Is there such a thing as a 9-day chip?

I also realized I have something in common with Lot's wife. She looked back! I look back....on my life with sugar and carbohydrate addiction and resent having to move away from that life. I want to bathe in sugar and feed my addiction. I want to return to the life that will eventually destroy me. Just like Lot's wife. 

In a quote from Jeffrey R. Holland in a speech given at BYU in 2009 he said, "So it isn’t just that she looked back; she looked back longingly. In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future. That, apparently, was at least part of her sin." 

I feel the same....my attachment to my past has, up to this point, outweighed my confidence in my future.

Onward and upward. I'm hoping to learn a lesson and look ahead....to my wonderful future!

21 Years Later...

It was 21 years ago on a night just like tonight.....(my family understands this reference)

Really it was in the morning hours, in Oakland, CA, where Harold and I were sealed. If you had known us then you would know that Harold was pretty freaked out at the idea of getting married...worrying about whether or not I was the right decision. He cried (the first time I had ever seen him cry) on the way to the temple, telling me he KNEW I was the right choice. And as soon as we walked out of the temple he had a sweet smile on his face and told me how glad he was that we were married. Even though some of my pre-wedding memories are pretty traumatic, I have other very sweet memories of that day. I know I made the right choice and I hope Harold still feels the same.

I heard a radio segment today wherein people were supposed to text into the show to tell how their spouse has changed them for the better. Pretty appropriate topic for me today of all days. I've decided to name a few ways that Harold has changed me for the better. Or maybe these are really things that Harold does for me that make me feel loved.

The Top 21 Reasons I love Harold, for our 21st Anniversary

1. He helps me understand that others have their agency and that I cannot control them.
2. He makes me feel wanted and needed when he takes me out on dates every.single.week.
3. He quietly lives the gospel and by doing this encourages me to do the same.
4. He has always insisted that I drive the newer car. This makes me feel safe and loved.
5. We have fallen into a routine of who does what around the house and while either of us would gladly step in to each other's roles when needed, we are both very glad the other takes care of certain things. E.G. Harold does yard work, I do laundry.
6. He insists we have getaways to help our minds reset and to show each other we prioritize our marriage.
7. He apologizes quickly.
8. He accepts my weaknesses and forgives easily.
9. He insists on family prayer, scripture study and family home evening. I had no idea how rare this is, even among those who know.
10. He is real. He isn't perfect and I love that about him.
11. He is ultra supportive in making sure I spend time with my family. He even sleeps over at my parents house when asked...with zero complaint.
12. He spends hours serving others. Think Christmas Day where he didn't even open the box to his new gadget until he had spent HOURS removing snow from my parents driveway and sidewalks.
13. He is my rock when anxiety sweeps through my mind. He reminds me that things will get better.
14. When we vacation together, we are completely in sync. We rest, we sightsee, we eat. It's nice that we have the same traveling rhythms.
15. He gave me pretty much the most beautiful children on the planet. Thanks hon!
16. He supports me in callings and in any dream I have. He wanted me to finish my degree and even though I started back for my final year of school when I was still the primary president and had a part-time job, he didn't bat an eye. He just loved me and told me I could do it.
17. He listens to my complaints and empathizes with me. He hears me.
18. He has always loved and respected his mother. I noticed this the first time I met Georgia. We were preparing for Brice's wedding and reception at the house and Harold jumped right in and started working from sun up to sun down. He knew what his mother needed and he made sure he supported her. I always knew he would take care of a wife in the same way...anticipate needs and make sure those needs are met.
19. He works HARD. I always knew he would take a job anywhere and do anything to support our family so I never worried about a layoff. This past year when he was laid off he was at the employment center almost every day firing off resumes and making contacts. I was super proud of him for being such a hard worker but also proud of him that he wouldn't take a couple of jobs that just did not suit him. I know it was hard for him to turn down a couple of those jobs because we didn't have anything else lined up. But he has really come into his own and realizes what his strengths and talents are and waited until a job came that fit him. Not only does he work hard outside the home, he is constantly working at home. He cleans, he cooks, he fixes.
20. For our 20th anniversary he insisted we do something big to celebrate. We ended up getting some money that was unexpected and while we probably should have paid down some debt, he insisted we go somewhere amazing. Then two weeks later we were on a plane to Paris. I didn't think we needed to be anxious to go...why not wait until spring time? But Harold was sure if we didn't take advantage at that moment, that the opportunity would pass us by. And he was right. With the layoff we never would have gone to Paris if we had not gone when we did. And we had a fabulous time! (see #14)
21. For 21 years this man has loved me fiercely. He has always made me feel secure in our relationship. He and I have set some marital rules to help ensure we stay strong together and he sticks to those rules. Even though my imperfections can sometimes be so obvious, he doesn't care. He loves me anyway. He not only loves me, he likes me. And I like him. He is my best friend. I am grateful every day for Harold.

I love you Lima!

Tacos

I love tacos. Always have. I have tacos every single year for my birthday. Just simple ground beef tacos with a seasoning pack thrown on and corn tortillas fried up. I could eat tacos every day of my life I believe.

I saw an article today about a new "taco cleanse." The article was ridiculous and the cleanse was touted by "taco scientists." I mean...if there is such a job, I want it! Despite the ridiculousness of it, I could relate since I am on a cleanse of sorts....a sugar cleanse.

Day 3 people!

The hardest part isn't going without sugar, the hardest part is the planning. I have to make sure I arise in time to make a breakfast for myself so I'm not grabbing something on the go (my go-to breakfast last year was chocolate milk from the BYU Creamery...and it was oh so good!) But this year I've had smoothies with spinach, frozen fruit and greek yogurt. If I have more time I'll scramble up an egg.

And I have to pack lunches. Usually I eat out....every single day. And it costs a lot of money. So even though my grocery bill last week (the shopping trip wherein I bought a TON of fresh ingredients) was $50 over my usual budget I will save between 30-50 by not eating out...so I don't feel bad the fresh ingredient expense.

I had a headache last night, I'm sure it was some sort of withdrawal from sugar because I don't typically get headaches.

So there you have it. Day three is half way in the books. Tomorrow is my anniversary, 21 years!

First Monday of 2016

Did I mention I'm going sugar free for 10 days. Today is day 1. Ha! And it's 10:33 AM and things are GREAT!

I truly am worried about my ability to stick to this; however, I know the benefits will help me enormously so I'm feeling motivated.

My work fridge is stocked with turkey, swiss cheese, carrots, a pear, an orange, natural peanut butter and cream cheese. I wish I would have brought my celery (to go with the cream cheese and peanut butter....oh well, another day).  My home fridge is PACKED with fresh ingredients and I'm excited about that.

I should note that the sugar free thing is not fat free, nor do I count calories.

I've noted to myself that my usual daily diet consists of carbs, sugar and fat.

So this SF plan makes me eat protein, fruits, veg and fat.

I had a smoothie this morning consisting of blackberries, an orange, a banana and 1/2 C of greek yogurt. It was pretty bitter.

I keep wondering if my taste buds will make any real changes in 10 days. I am so used to NOT liking the taste of fruits and veggies because my tongue is so overloaded with sugar, ya know? I'd like to enjoy fruits and veggies again.

Anywaysssssss.......it was hard to come back to work today. Having two weeks off really messes with my head. I stay up late, I do what I want, I cook, I clean, I spend time with kids and hubby. I LOVE IT! And I'm mourning the loss of those two weeks.

I got online this morning and got my reservation for our family to tour the Provo City Center Temple Open House on Jan 16, which happens to be my dad's 69th birthday but he will be out of town that weekend.

Journal 2016

The other day my dad was telling me about how he had read in his journal back in 1994 about me bringing home a boy named Harold Nichols. It was fun to hear his thoughts and we reminisced about the events surrounding Harold's proposal and our wedding day.

A few days later, Harold pulled out his old journal and started sharing things with me. It was fun to hear about the little things we did together and as a family.

I was feeling a bit blue about my lack of journaling when I realized I had a terrific journal that I was pretty faithful to from 2008-2011 and it's THIS BLOG!

The original plan for this blog was to document my weight loss. That was back in 2008. And I'm still worrying about weight loss.

However, I've decided to start blogging again because the blog is my journal. I may not share everything on this blog due to it's non-private nature, but events and general feelings about those events are and will be shared. This is the easiest way for me to journal. I may share weight-related stuff...but only if it's super important to me that day. But I want to share the day-to-day stuff on here. I want some kind of record for my to look at when my memory is completely gone and hopefully this blog will spark a glimmer of recognition in my failing years. And I'd like my kids and husband to read about what was important to me and the goings on of our every day life.

Here goes, events of note:
1. I am going to sugar detox for 10 days. Jan 4-Jan 13, 2016. I am completely sugar addicted and I'm hoping this will boost my energy and hopefully curb some of those nasty cravings.
2. Harold started a new job on June 29, 2015 at LexisNexis. We are super glad for this change in his employment and despite a very large learning curve, he is really enjoying the new job. It is stressful, to be sure. But he is closer to home, getting a decent paycheck, and we are hopeful that this is a long-term employment situation.
3. Savannah started a cosmetology apprenticeship in Payson at Cloud9 Salon with Holly Despain Amuse. Holly is a great teacher and Savannah is loving her schooling. She will test for her state boards around May or June of 2017. The apprentice costs less but takes longer to complete. She attends the young adult ward and was called to teach 3rd Sunday Relief Society, which we feel will be a really great challenge and blessing for her. She is dating a pre-mission boy named Jacob. We are hoping he leaves during the first half of 2016 and are supportive of this desire. :)
4. Mack is midway through his junior year. He enjoys club and school soccer. He recently attended the NY Eve youth dance and loved it. He looked super fly in his new navy floral shirt with navy blazer and jeans. Best dressed kid there and the best looking. He is the 1st assistant in the priests quorum.
5. I am still at BYU and really love where I work, not just BYU but the dean's office of education. I work with hard-working people who are dedicated to their work and are really great people. They are supportive and kind. I was called to serve in the Stake YW back in September-ish and serve as the 2nd counselor. It is a BUSY calling.

2015 was a very eventful year for us.

Harold and I celebrated our 20th anniversary by going to Paris, France from January 30 until Feb 8. It was so very cold but we bundled up and just completely enjoyed our visit. We stayed in a small little flat we rented online and it was perfect! We ate great food, saw amazing sites, and spent some super quality time together. We went in the Louvre, walked down the Champs d'Elysees, went to the Eiffel tower twice (once at night and once during the day), toured the Musee d'Orsay, walked ALL OVER Versailles (the city and the palace grounds and saw the temple site/construction), took a day trip to see Chateau de Fontainebleau, and walked to the Sacre Couer. Amazing trip! We really stressed over whether to take this trip and Harold's defining moment was, if we don't do this now something could happen and we won't end up going ever. I'm so glad I listened to that advice because.....

Harold was laid off from the University of Phoenix on April 2 and was without work until June 29. He handled it pretty well and worked like a champ to gain employment. He was at the LDS Employment Center daily sending out resumes, making contacts, etc. He was offered the job at LexisNexis mid-June and since we had a couple of weeks before his start date, we altered our family vacation plans (originally scheduled for end of July) and.....

We took the kids to Seattle for our family vacation. We stayed with Britty, Wyatt and Ro. They are gracious hosts and we loved spending time with them. We went to the top of the Space Needle, took a ferry to Victoria, BC, Canada and toured Buchart Gardens as well as the touristy parts of town. We went to Pike's Place Market a couple of times. It was a great trip.

We were able to get new carpet in the house and Harold also tiled all the linoleum areas in our house (back hall and bathroom, two upstairs bathrooms). The new carpet and tile makes us feel like we are living in a brand new house and the feeling is fabulous!

Despite unemployment, financially we did just fine this year. And the only thing I can attribute this to is that we pay our tithing. Many would call us foolish for this belief, but we have always felt strongly that the law of the tithe is an essential part of our faith building and heaps blessings upon us. We have not always been blessed financially through tithes, but we do believe we still own our house because of our obedience to this law of God.

I have nothing bad to say about 2015. We had our share of stress, to be sure. But in the end, we saw God's hand in our lives daily and are grateful for the knowledge of the gospel that sustains us through our trials.

Gratitude

I feel a great deal of gratitude in general lately. The biggest piece of news is that Harold got a great job offer. The job is closer to home than his previous job and we are pleased with the salary.

One thing I'm looking forward to is having him home at a decent hour every night. We have not had a standard 8-5 schedule since our first year of marriage. All his other jobs were at an airline, in retail, out of town, or crazy weird hours. Yay for 8-5!!!

I have a post in the making about the Cultural Celebration for the Payson Utah Temple.....what a great experience. More later...

I found myself this past Sunday feeling completely full to the brim with gratitude for the blessings Heavenly Father has given me and my family.

My lesson this past week was on avoiding being a hypocrite. There is no difference between me and the Pharisees because they 1. Attended their meetings, 2. Paid tithes, 3. Helped the poor, and 4. Attended the temple.

The difference is.....my heart. I hope my heart continually seeks to be in the right place. I have had times when I do the right thing and hope others see me. Then there are times when I do the right thing because I want to serve the Lord. I just hope as I get older and time goes by that I worry less and less about the world and more and more about what Heavenly Father thinks of me.

Blessings Large and Small

Sometimes I wonder how I got so blessed. I mean that sincerely so when I type up the next sentence, please do not think I am being sarcastic.

Harold lost his job.

I mean....he didn't misplace his job, but rather after 12 years he was let go. As in, they used to hold him like a balloon string and suddenly like an absent-minded toddler.....they let the string slide away from them and Harold is now floating, untethered.

He has been earnestly seeking employment and has technically only been out of work for three days, today is day four.

He has had one interview and has another scheduled. He has attended the LDS Employment Center's Career Workshop (today is day two of two at the workshop). He has applied at numerous places for numerous jobs.

He has had experts look at his resume and suggest a MAJOR overhaul, which he is working on.

Sometimes there is underlying unease in the pit of my stomach, but on top of that is a very real sense of calm and peace....and of blessings I am unable to count.

Financially we have a bit of time, not a lot, but some time.

I feel like I am unable to adequately express how blessed I feel right now.

We have a temple opening soon. My family will be volunteering for a day at the open house. My son will be able to participate in the cultural celebration.

Here are four of my greatest blessings:

1. Harold, 2. Savannah, 3. Mackson, 4. The temple.

I have no doubt that Harold will find the right job at the right time. He is probably the hardest worker I know. He is relentless, dogged, earnest, kind. Any company would be lucky to have him.

Funny how blessings come in ways we never expected and never asked for. Heavenly Father knows me, He knows us. He knows what we need. I have faith in his plan for me and all his children.

There is a reason the gospel is called the great plan of happiness. I feel joyful and happy when I follow the plan. The fear comes when I lose sight of the plan.

At this moment, I feel peace, hope, joy, gratitude, love, calm.

Gospel Doctrine

Have you ever sat in Gospel Doctrine class on Sunday and thought, "I am so glad I don't have to teach this class. What a nightmare!" 

Well, I've thought that. Numerous times. In fact, I've often thought if I ever got that calling that I would probably die and that would be the end of me. 

As it turns out, I got the calling. And I did not die. 

Interesting note: Not only did I NOT die, I realized pretty immediately that the calling was a direct answer to my prayers and would be a major blessing in my life. 

I've only taught one lesson so far. That lesson was pretty funny. The first half was me just blazing through material. This wasn't happening because I needed to get through the lesson, it was happening because I was so incredibly nervous. Once I calmed down a bit I was able to enjoy the lesson more and listen to comments and incorporate the comments into the lesson better. 

I teach my second lesson in two days and I'm super excited. The lesson is about Matthew 5; The Sermon on the Mount. What a goldmine! I mean, the Savior really dropped a massive gift with this chapter. And, the importance of it was emphasized when he repeated the same things to the Nephites in 3 Nephi. 

Even though I am quite nervous to teach again, I cannot being to explain how grateful I am and how excited I am. 

Heavenly Father knows each of us. He knows our struggles. And he wants us to be successful in this life. He aids us by giving us scriptures, prophets, apostles, the priesthood, church programs, the Holy Ghost. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church of God on the earth. I know because when I study the gospel and truly apply the principles in my life, I am happier. I feel more at peace. I have more joy. And I know that the gospel gives me the tools needed to protect my children. They have the ability to make their own decisions and may walk away from all I've taught, but I will know that I did all I could by teaching them what I know to be true. The Book of Mormon is another testament of Christ and enhances and illuminates the Bible. 

I am loving my calling. I'll probably need reminding of this every time I get crazy nervous to teach. 

The Sun on my Face

Do you ever worry about things you cannot control? I do this ALL the time. And to be perfectly honest, I am completely sick of it.

Currently I am worried about a myriad of people, situations and problems. And there is nothing I can do about any of it. So I wake up worried, go to sleep worried, worry in the middle of the day. Worry while I'm driving, while I'm eating. Currently Christmas worries plague my mind...are we still in budget? Did we get everything we need? What about this person or that person? What about that handcrafted idea I had and am in the middle of...will I finish on time?

It's no wonder that I find solace in mindless activities like television and dumb game apps on the iPad when I'm home at night.

I'd like to quit worrying, if only for a moment.

So I headed on over to lds.org. This is my go-to place when I'm feeling introspective, have a question, or just need some peace. Today the answer came in the form of a hymn,

Ere you left your room this morning,

Did you think to pray? … 

When your soul was full of sorrow,

Balm of Gilead did you borrow

At the gates of day?

O how praying rests the weary!

Prayer will change the night to day;

So when life gets dark and dreary,

Don’t forget to pray.

It's time for me to remember to pray every morning, every night. I need the Balm of Gilead it brings to my soul. While my life is not dark or dreary, it could use more sunshine and currently I am the only person blocking the light by turning my back to the sun rather than turning my face to catch the light. 

Love to all during this season. There have been moments of profound spiritual blessing in my life lately and those have come in the form of videos, FHEs and talks with my little family about beliefs and testimony. I love the Lord and his gospel. 

Today's blog has done it's job, I can feel the sun on my face again. 

Playing Catch Up

I've never been good at journaling. When I was younger I would sit down to (finally) write in my journal and I would have this feeling that I needed to write about everything that had happened in my life since the last time I wrote. Unfortunately, so much had usually happened that I couldn't possibly remember or write it all and I would get frustrated. Then I wouldn't bother writing much at all.

I feel that way about this blog. I've let it lapse. Social media and a full-time job drew me away from my precious blog. I'm not going to promise that I'm back, but I would like to get a few thoughts and events written down for posterity.

Thoughts/Events:
1. I quit Facebook. I'm not sure when it happened, some time earlier this summer. At first I quit for a week to get me out of my bad habit of checking statuses every few seconds. We had discussed bad habits during Family Home Evening one night and I pledged to stay off FB for the week. After the week was over I went back but I definitely did not check FB as often as I had before. Then I decided to try another week or two. The next thing I knew I was having this realization that FB wasn't any good for me. I like being in touch with family and I especially love seeing pictures. But FB had become a.) an addiction, b.) a detraction from my real life, and c.) a place of frustration and sometimes full blown anger. So I dropped FB, for good. They do have a cool feature on FB where you can have them send you a link to download all your pics and statuses, so before I left for good I got my download and filed it in my computer. Then I left. Honestly, I miss it sometimes. But other times, I don't miss it one single bit. I'm lucky to have friends and family that keep me informed of events that are important.

2. Savannah started college. What? I had someone tell me yesterday that I don't look old enough to have a college freshman. How sweet! And how true! Ha! And I wasn't even young when I had her, I was 26. Anyway....this #2 is supposed to be about Savannah. She is loving BYU. She loves her professors, her classes and her job. She doesn't have any crazy roommates, which we consider a plus. She has been doing well on most tests and assignments but had her first bump in the road yesterday when she realized that the time spent studying for a major test just was not enough. The transition from HS to university is HUGE. We are very proud of her and know she will succeed!

3. Mackson is a sophomore in HS. He is a good kid and tries very hard to Choose The Right. He's fairly quiet, but will be open about most things if we just ask. Which proves the point that kids really do want to have a relationship with their parents. Thankfully, when we ask, he will give us information. And he is quite funny, which we enjoy.

4. I serve in Nursery in my ward. I love it. The children are so fun, so full of energy, and have such a variety of personalities. Nursery is a great place for me right now. Currently I am trying to figure out how to serve the children during the week, not just on Sunday for two hours. I was reminded of a really great quote, which was attributed to Maya Angelou,

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” I want those children to FEEL good in my class and FEEL good around me. I know that involves striving for the spirit in my life so that I SHINE. I'm working on this.

Looking forward to hearing from long lost blog-reading friends. Love to all!

Yep, It's Over

My prediction has now come to pass. It is over. Savannah has agreed to be "friends."

Problem #1: She is still going to prom with him.

Problem #2: She is heartbroken.

Problem #3: People are still talking and assuming and judging. Unkind assumptions. 

Problem #4: I want to use social media to either be a.) passive aggressive or b.) downright nasty.

Problem #5: He pursued, pursued, pursued, and when things got hard, he bolted.....right back to Sav's ex-best-friend.....He is "confused." (His word, not mine.)

which leads to....

Problem #6: She now has no best friend. There are kind friendly people, but no best friend.

Problem #7: The ex-best-friend's mom is texting me about trying to resolve the problem.

Problem #8 (Which I really do NOT see as a real problem): Sav has no interest in mending the friendship when the ex-best-friend has been mean and flaunting it in Sav's face that she (the former BFF) has woo'd the boy back to her.

Sound like High School? Well it is, except it's MY daughter who is friendless and still has five weeks left of school. This should be the funnest time of her life thus far and it has turned into the worst time of her life so far. 

Read the For The Strength of Youth Pamphlet lately? Do not take it for granted, do not dismiss the recommendations because they are really more like hard and fast rules. Follow, obey and you will find peace and joy. Think they don't apply to you and regret and sadness will be part of your life. Teach your children. We did teach our children. I'm not sure what went wrong. 

Monday Mourning-Spring Break

I watched conference, all sessions. I would like to share that during the final session I started to really lose all ability to concentrate. I really enjoy conference, usually I find the measure of peace I seek, but I do have a hard time listening the entire time. I feel like I'm the only adult on the planet with this problem. Other adults seem to really have this one in the bag, they watch, take notes, make yummy food, take cute pictures, tweet and instagram and come out fully uplifted and elevated. 

I should take my own advice and stop worrying about what other people are doing or thinking. My conference experience is mine alone and it really doesn't matter what anyone else does. 

Remember my last post? Remember how I said I think about this (Sav) all the time? Yep, it's still true. I go to bed thinking about it, I wake up thinking about it. I make myself sick as I'm driving thinking about it. I put on music to distract myself, I stream scriptures, I read books. And still I perseverate. 

The one thing my mind is really hyper focused on is that she has one friend. The boy. He's great, he really is. But when the time comes that he's done, and we all know that time will come eventually, then what? She has been so hurt she doesn't trust anymore. She isn't even excited to start college in the fall, it gives her such anxiety I can see her physical self deflate as she thinks about it. 

We are talking to her about this quite often, I just don't know if it's helping her. Any thoughts? I'd love to hear what my three readers have to say. :)

And today my family is all home for spring break while I labor at work. Phooey! I'm so jealous. 

Friday Musings

I have to admit, my kids don't really know about this blog so I feel kind of free to write whatever I want about them. On the other hand, they could discover the blog fairly easily if they were to check out my google account, which could happen.

I liked this blog better when I felt more incognito. Sounds silly, right? I mean, there are a few people out there who read the blog. Not a ton, but a few. So I've never really been incognito, have I?

Things seem to have calmed down with Savannah. It's been a week since the last big outburst/problem. Do I get comfortable? Do I get complacent? I want to! I want to so badly! After three solid months of trouble, this reprieve is nice.

Sav has a friend that's a boy. The kids at school say she has a boyfriend, but I prefer the other wording. I know, it's just semantics, but it helps me deal, ok?

I want to be supportive because she is at an age where she really could start dating one-on-one and pairing off and deciding her eternal future. But dang....just because she's of age doesn't mean she SHOULD be making those kinds of decisions. In fact, I really don't want her to do that just yet. In my mind, I'd like her to go to college, meet lots of boys, date a bunch, weed out unsuitables, and settle on a great guy....but definitely not a moment before the age of 23. (And I know that age sounds young to some.)

I digress.

What I'm struggling with and what I really want to explore is this: Savannah has a friend that's a boy and she wants to spend time with him. I like the boy. He's a good kid. He is also a junior so he isn't exactly leaving on his mission any time soon. I don't feel like I can't tell her to stop seeing this boy, nor do I feel I should, so I have to set rules and then be kind of neutral. Or at least seem neutral. And this boy is really her only good friend right now. So how do I be supportive without being encouraging? How do I let her have this experience?

I want to provide safe places for the two of them to interact and be friends, but if I let this kid come over to my house all the time am I sending the wrong message? (I haven't done this, I'm just wondering.)

And if I may whine just a bit, why is parenting so hard?

Anyone out there have any personal experience with this? Parents that were too lenient or not lenient enough? Did you have rules that helped your eternal progression and not hinder it? Did you rebel? Did your parents find the perfect balance between expectations and support?

I think about this constantly.

Pinpoint

You know when you look back on your life and you think about the highlights and lowlights? Times when things in life were super smooth, fun, interesting....or times when they really were awful? Funny thing is, I can almost exactly pinpoint the bad stuff, but the good times are more blurry.

It's like this. When I think about my 20s, I think about saving for my mission, serving my mission, going to college, getting married, having two babies. Loved my 20s, really loved them. They were amazing. But it's all a bit blurry, a haze of happiness I guess.

But then there's dates like November 11, 2006, when I was diagnosed with cancer. A pinpoint in time.

In a few years I will look back on this year, 2014, at least the beginning and be able to tell you that time in my life was one of the hardest times I've ever been through. And I'm not done yet. Every time I think things will calm down, they just don't.

Last night as Harold and I were discussing events he actually asked me to stop talking about what was going on because he simply could not take it any more. I was irritated by this, but I still understood.

I won't go into nitty gritty details. There are too many and there are people to protect.

Let me start here: It's Savannah's senior year. At the beginning of the school year I distinctly remember thinking that we were almost done with her high school career and we had escaped any drama that I was sure would accompany a girl through high school.

Now we all know what happens when you think things in your life are easy, right? Yep, all of a sudden you hit a wall....hard.

Savannah is a great girl, this isn't about her. This is not about her choices. She got a bit overwhelmed and overbooked and that played into this year. But the biggest thing is that she was betrayed by a person she trusted, a best friend. The best friend turned on her and then others followed the best friend. Now my daughter has no best friend. And her peripheral friends aren't really speaking to her either.

Can you imagine being a senior in high school, supposedly the best time in your life, and you have no friends?

If you can't remember what it was like, let me help you out. It's devastating.

And if you think a mother can sit by and watch this kind of thing happening and just take it.....well, that's exactly what I have to do, "take it." I do everything I can to help, support, love, embrace, hold, and empower. But I pretty much have to sit back and take it.

And I have to take it from people who live really close, who go to my church, my schools, my neighborhood stores. I have to smile, tell them I'm sure the girls will work it out, when I'm not sure at all. In fact, my daughter says she is through with this friend. Savannah feels betrayed and unloved. She feels used and walked on. She doesn't want this friend back. But she doesn't want to be friendless either.

She's lonely.

She will graduate in two months, actually 9 weeks from today. I will rejoice that she no longer has to face the people who wronged her every.single.day.

She deserves to walk with her head held high, yet she skulks around school like she has something to hide. This is NOT my girl.

I want my girl back. I want her to feel empowered and lovely and beautiful and strong and peaceful and spiritually bold.

I will look back on my daughter's senior year as one of the worst of my life. Because my daughter was betrayed and I had to take it.

She makes me proud to be a mother and my heart hasn't stopped aching for oh so long.

I love you my darling, wonderful, brilliant, lovely girl.

If thou art ^aaccused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee;.....  if thou be cast into the ^bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to ^chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of ^dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee^eexperience, and shall be for thy good.

The ^aSon of Man hath ^bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

D&C 122: 6, 7

I love you my girl. Love, love, love, love you.